Away To Me

New Pediatrician

I took all 3 boys to the new Pediatrician yesterday. I had told hubby he didn't have to come, but he said he'd try to make it. Boy was I glad he did. It was super helpful to have him there for Jake. There was no way I could juggle the twins by myself and have Jake pee in a cup. Evidently "not a drop was spilled and he enjoyed the process". 

I wanted to try to get a ped established in this area as soon as possible in case someone gets hurt or sick. You know how it is when you need a doctor and your not yet an established patient. Plus, in our area, the snow birds arrive in the fall and the valley doubles in size, from about 200,000 to 400,000 population and it's even harder to get into a doctor. I'm sure this population growth doesn't effect pediatricians as much as other docs, but all the same, I was glad to now have one. Besides, Jake needed a 3 yo check and the babies hadn't seen a Ped since their 2 month check.

Jake is perfect! Seriously, perfect. 50th % in weight and height, 36 " tall and 31 pounds. He was a stud when he had his finger pricked for his iron levels, which were normal, no anemia. His Blood Pressure was good, his hearing and eye site good (trust me, I knew those two things were good this kid can hear a whisper 100 miles away and he can spot a tiny piece off a toy from the same distance! He was a super good sport about the whole doctor experience.

Wesley is not the big boy I thought he was, it's just that Nathan is so tiny it makes Wes seem huge. He's very average, weighing 15 pounds 3 ounces and I think they said 25" long. He's in the 50th% for weight and height. The doctor used the 4 month charts for the boys because they were about 3 weeks early and she said at this age, 3 weeks is a big difference during the first 6 months or so. Developmentally he is right on track.  

Nathan, my teeny boy was really funny to watch during his exam. He's always moving, kicking, reaching, wiggling, etc. Just putting a diaper on this kid is an adventure. And if he's in a good mood, you couldn't wipe a small off his face. Luckily for us, he was in a good mood at the appointment and was grinning the entire time and laughing when he was measured.  He is small, but the doc was not worried at all because his weight was in proportion to his height. He's 15th % for weight, 13 pounds 3 ounces and 10th% for height, 23 1/4".

We mentioned his stuffy nose and what we have been doing for it and she said that's about all we can do. I also asked her about sleep and how we can get more of it. Hubby and I both feel that Nathan wakes up  lot in the early morning hours because his nose is bothering him. She went through a list of things that may help us with sleep, all of which we have been doing. Basically she told us there is no magic, that eventually Nathan will catch up with Wesley and start missing one meal a night which is normal at this age. At this point, if both boys could give me one 4 hour stretch I'd be ecstatic!  I left feeling rather down over the whole sleep issue. Being tired makes everything more dramatic. 

When we got home we had dinner and then took all three boys swimming. It was a lot of fun but also a lot of work. Hubby handled Jake and I handled Nate and Wes. Which includes getting them bathed after swimming. I was pooped out after all that.

Here are a few pics of swimming last night. Oh and tomorrow I hope to have a post about encountering one of the rudest women I've ever been around, who happened to be a mommy. So sad!

Nathan with his non-smiling, but happy self.

Wesley, about to blow raspberries face.

4th of July pictures

You have to have a hot dog on 4th of July!

And then freak your parents out, by braving the diving board!

Nathan and his famous smirk look.

Wesley and his amazing grin.

Mommy with her famous twin juggling act.

And finally, Nathan holding Nathan and John holding Wesley John! Our son's name sakes. It was a very fun day.

Palm Trees

There is a boatload of Palm Trees in this neck of the woods.

Thank You and Some Clarification

Thank you all so much for your supportive words and encouragement. The comments on the blog, private emails and Skype sessions pulled me out of my pitty party. Granted it was a legitimate pitty party, but I'm done wallowing. Time to except my circumstances and figure out how to improve things.

First off I'm not suffering from PPD. I'm not depressed. I'm frustrated, angry and tired. I'm overwhelmed and legitimately so. PPD is a very serious condition and one that people should not take lightly or blow off without seriously considering. To be honest, I didn't consider it at all until a few of you mentioned it to me yesterday. And really,after considering it, I don't think it's my issue. 

I made a few changes since yesterday's blog post. One, I changed my attitude and decided that crying and feeling like crap isn't doing me a bit of good. Last night I was up all night with Nathan who woke about every 45 mins with his nose being so stuffed up that he could hardly nurse. At about 3:30 this morning I looked at my husband who had the most awful helpless expression on his face and I said, "This really sucks". And he said, "yes it really does" and we laughed. We really laughed. I think it was our way of moving on from the sucky part of this and trying to figure out how to fix things.

Hubby got up early and went to the drug store this morning and got a cool mist vaporizer, some saline drops and a HUGE coffee (full caffein) for me. That was a great way to start the day. I took Nathan to the bathroom and let the steam clear his head and my own and we started our day by joining the local Mother's of Multiples club. I also found a local mom's club and I emailed them to see if they have any events planned. 

Then I started searching for the Montessori schools in town. I figured there had to be more than the one I found and I was right, there is another one very close to us. I called them spoke to their director, learned about their schedule and pricing. They are very expensive but less expensive than the other Montessori school in the area. I called hubby up, asked him how much my sanity was worth? He got a good laugh out of it and said,"well, lets try to make this work". So I maybe working a few weekends a month in order to afford Jake's school, but it's something that we have to do. Luckily I had one shoot a few weeks ago and I've got another shoot this month, that will pay for two month's worth of tuition. So that's good news!

Third thing I did was read up on my nursing issues with the boys. I think part of the lack of sleep is that I'm not letting the boys nurse from both breasts at each session. I very rarely nurse them together so there is no reason why I shouldn't try them on each side. I think what is happening is they are nursing one side until it requires too much suck to remove milk so they fall asleep not completely full  and then they wake up hungry too soon. If I nurse them on both sides, they should consume more in one session, thus allowing me more time between feeds. Hope it works.

Fourth thing I did was get out of the house. I took Jake to the library and went to some theatrical reading of a children's book. Basically it was some hippy woman that the kids loved. Jake got bored after about 45 mins, so the last 15 mins was me trying to wrangle him and keep two babies from crying. Nathan actually was a hit. I was standing up holding him sort of bouncing to keep him from crying. The hippy lady wandered up the isles singing her songs to the kids and sort of pointing out to specific kids. When she got close to us she sang directly to Nathan who went from the verge of tears to a HUGE smile for her. Everyone within eye sight of him started to laugh. Little ham! Jake was completely unimpressed. He was more concerned with the fire extinguisher and the fact that one of the light bulbs was burnt out. lol!

I'm going to make this work out. I'm going to find mom friends in the area. I can make this move work. In fact, I'll probably love this area more than anyplace I've lived before. It certainly has everything a person could want.

Thanks again everyone. Your support is so wonderful. 

Falling apart

I'm falling apart. I have a few good moments, an hour here or there where I think everything is going to be okay and that I'm fine. But the other 22-23 hours a day pretty much have me in pieces. 

I've had a lump in my throat and my test has been tight since basically Friday. Sunday it was horrible. Monday hubby took Jake all day to finish stuff up at the old house and I felt okay, the lump went a way for most of the day. But this morning it was back. I am wound so tight right now that I don't even remember my husband leaving the house. I know he said goodbye to me but for the first time ever, I don't remember watching him walk out the door. I think I'm so darn angry at him for all these changes that I'm resenting him. And really, that's not fair. It's not his fault we moved. I agreed to all of this and I know it will be better for us in the long run. But for the short run, it really, really sucks.

I hate the mother I am this week. I've yelled at Jake far too many times. My patience is thin or even non-existent. He is just a typical 3-yo boy. It is not his fault we are in a rental with a pool with no fence. I've got this placed locked down like you wouldn't believe. And I still wont' let him out of my sight. In my mind I know he can't reach the top of the sliding glass doors to take the locks off. But my mind wanders and gets irrational thinking that maybe we didn't lock it. Even though I can see it is locked. Crazy.

The babies aren't sleep well at night. Last night was a good night, meaning I only got up 4 times. Nights are just hell right now. Hubby and I are both way too fat to be comfy in the queen size bed. It is just too hot to snuggle. The heat here is unfricking believable. It was 113 on Sunday. Today it was 106. And it doesn't cool off much at night. The coolest point at night is still in the 80's. The A/C and the fan run non-stop which is drying out Nathan's nose. It makes him miserable. About 3 times a day I have to spray saline in his nose and this morning I took him the shower with me to loosen things up. Poor baby sounds miserable. 

The dogs hate it here. It's too hot for them to be outside all day. And it is a rental, so they are pretty confined when on the inside. Poor Marge needs more exercise than she's getting, but it's impossible between the 3 kids and the heat to help her. Grace is pouting like a teenager because I make her lay on a blanket instead of next to my side of the bed. The carpet is white and she doesn't need to lay on the white carpet. You would have thought by her expressions and sulks that I've taken away her last kibble.

I hate to be a downer, I know how lucky I am. Really, I do know how fortune it is that we can move to this area that 8 months out of 12 is absolutely perfect. People from all over the world vacation here. It is a high end area, with homes averaging a million dollars. That's no exaggeration. The one are we looked in the average home price was over $900,000. I know my husband's income is good and that it will get better. He has taken a 45%  pay cut though, which is hard. We can't afford to put Jake in Montessori school here. The price is unbelievable, 3 times higher than what we were paying at our previous home.

I need help and I don't even know how to get it at this point. I joined the baby sitting service that I used to find German Grandma at the other place. I have had 2 people apply. One I may call back but she is 35 miles away! The other does in home day care which I won't do. My family is even farther from me than they were before and hubby's family isn't an option. I simply can't keep going at this rate. It's been 4 1/2 months and I'm exhausted. I'm up all night with the babies and then all day long with the three of them. I've done better than I think most people could have done, but I think I've found my limit. 

I cried like a baby in my car today. I can't do that around my Jakey, it's just not right. And it wasn't a big deal that caused my breakdown, but it was enough on this day. The chest got tighter and the lump got bigger. I decided to take Jake to the children's museum that's about 5 miles from here. So I made sure to feed the babies, change them, load them in the car seats, drive there, unload everyone including babies into the stroller. Get inside and the reception person tells me no strollers. I just turned around. I can't take the babies and Jake by myself without a stroller. Poor Jake saw the other kids playing and he was excited and I had to tell him that we couldn't go. It was too much for me at that moment. 

I decided to go to the library. I punch in the library to my GPS thing and head that way. I get there, get the kids unloaded again, go inside and I'm informed that they dont' have a children's section, that I need to go to the community library. Yes, there are two public libraries. I was about to give up but I had to do something for Jake. So we drove to the real library and he got his first library card and 4 books. He was so excited. We also go their summer schedule and we are going back tomorrow for story time. 

Then to top off the bad morning. I had ordered groceries online. The market has a service where I can just go and pick them up. I called to see how it works and if I could pick up my order (which the web site said I could from 12-2). They don'y have my order. I still don't know why it didn't go through. So I have no groceries in the house. Just a few basics to get by. 

Okay, enough rambling and complaining. Babies are crying, I'm needed.

Not feeling well

I think I've hit my limit. I started to feel pretty yucky this afternoon. (actually just about an hour ago). Jake's hit his limit too and is being a typical 3-year-old. I really need sleep. At some point, I'm going to have to lock myself in a sound proof room and sleep for at least 5 hours straight. I do believe I'm officially all tuckered out. Having all 3 kids by myself today in a new environment on about 3 hours rest (8 hours in the past 3 days) has done me in. 

Anxiety lifted

Aaaaah. Now this is much better. Boys napping. Mommy lounging outside in the sun and by the pool. The rental is perfect. I'm feeling so much more relaxed. My darling husband is taking care of everything with the movers and I'm living the life of luxury right now. (well, as luxurious as one can be taking care of a 3yo and 4 month old twins alone). Wouldn't change a thing though.

Here are a few very quick snap shots of the place.

Now this is where I'll be for the next 1/2 hour. (if the boys allow)

Birth Announcements - Finally

Last week I got the birth announcements sent out. Embarrassing that it took me 4 months to get that done. By now everyone on my mailing list has received them, so I can post them here for everyone to see.

Anxiety

* Edited: Sorry this is such a rambling post. It's quite clear I was loosing my mind at 4am. 

Well, my anxiety level increased at warp speed in the past 3-4 hours. I have been annoyed by the move and all the ups and downs, but not fearful and anxious until basically midnight. The past 20-30 minutes have been especially obnoxious. You would think that the sheer exhaustion I'm feeling would make it impossible to be awake and worried about every nightmare moving scenario possible, such is not the case. 

I'm having the same feelings I'd get when I had really bad panic attacks in my early 20's. Difference now is I know how to help control my reaction. And yes, blogging right now when I should be catching my last few minutes of ZZZZ's is in fact a way of me coping. I used to ward off panic attacks by washing my face and reapplying makeup, or cleaning the bird cage, other mundane activities that I didn't have to really think about, I could just do, they were routine and pattern like and my brain liked that (so said the shrink who I was seeing at the time).

Now I'm writing this post because trying to sleep is making me more anxious. When I lay my head down, I envision all the different ways my children can get hurt at the new house. Specifically Jake. The rental place has a pool and it is very scary to me. But now I'm blogging in the hopes of pushing the ugly visions out of my brain until it is a reasonable enough hour for me to get up, get dressed and start loading more stuff into my trailer to take to the new place. We actually have an appointment at 8:30 to get the keys and do the walk thru. Which means we leave in 2 hours. 

I'm hoping I won't need to come back to this place today. I'd like to get all the essentials in one load and be able to get to nesting in the new house while hubby handles the movers and all the work that involves. Sunday we have some work to do around here and Monday I have the cleaning lady and carpet cleaners to meet here.

I can tell my blogging efforts are working on my anxiety level. I'm already feeling more relaxed. I'm sure this post means absolutely nothing to anyone reading it. But I hope to look back at it one day and realize what a freak I was. LOL! 

Have I mentioned the babies are going through a growth spurt? They are nursing, I kid you not, EACH, 3-4 times a night. They wake up about every 1 to 1 1/2 hours, nurse for 5-10 minutes and then fall right back into deep sleep. Very rarely do these nursing sessions coincide with one another, which means I'm up 6-8 times a night for the past 4 nights. I'm glad they aren't awake very long, but still, it's driving me a bit insane. I hope this phase passes quickly. 

Jake so far is handling the packing and changes to his world like a champ. He helped me pack up his toys both those that go into storage and those that we are taking to the rental and never complained once. We packed the stuff going into storage 3 days ago and he's only asked for one item (baseball bunny) once and when I said, "Oh, baseball bunny is packed away". He said, "okay" and hasn't asked for it since. Last night before he went to bed I had all his clothes packed away, everything except the 3 books we were reading before bedtime and his clothes for the morning and he didn't seem upset at all. Daddy and I read him his books, told him tomorrow we were going to a new house and he'd get a new room and a new bed and we could go swimming. He seemed so excited! "New room? New Bed? Swimming" he said with a huge grin. He really is so stinking cute! 

Okay,I'm feeling better. I can get up now at the reasonable time of 5:20 and start collecting the final odds and ends.

1 year ago.

Two, five-celled little embryos were placed in my body.

And now I have two, many-celled, little boys. What amazing year. Thank you all who have read my blog and encouraged me, cheered me on, given suggestions, etc. You've made my journey that much more special!

Nathan, last Saturday.

Wesley last Saturday.