Warning, this is a long, drawn out post. I'm sorry for the ramble, but the post is more for me than for all of you, but some might find my neuroses interesting. LOL!
It's 1:30 in the morning and I can't sleep. The babies are restless, but sleeping so I really should be trying to catch some zzz's, but my mind is working too hard right now.
I was thinking about my day today and I'm unable to relax and calm down. As I was processing my thoughts, I was doing sort of a mini blog post in my head and I had a total light bulb moment. It was so revealing to me, that I couldn't believe I hadn't realized until just now what was going on with me. And then I was trying to process things more and kept getting stuck in the same spot and decided to get out of bed, check on Jake and then try to sort things out on my blog so that I could clear my mind and go to sleep.
You see today was a rough day. (well yesterday). We are up against the clock to find a home to purchase. We need to be out of this rental by November 1. In order to be out of here, we basically need to start escrow on a house early next week. It takes about 30 days to fund a loan and close an escrow. Our six months of looking for houses and making offers on houses has finally come to an end. Either it happens this week or we find a more permanent rental.
So this morning (actually yesterday) I woke up feeling anxious. Almost hyper. I wanted to have a plan for the day. I wanted to have an answer on the last house we made an offer and counter offer on. I needed to know if I would be spending next weekend looking for rentals instead of a purchase. We looked at five homes within an hour and 10 minutes. That is difficult to do with twin 7 month olds and Jake, in and out of car seats. All the homes were in a large gated community within close proximity to each other, which helped. The first house we saw, I really liked. It's dated, it's got some quirks, but it's a neat house that we can really turn into a show place I think. The whole time we were looking at houses I was feeling anxious, but completely in control. After we saw the last house I started to feel panicky. I was irritated with hubby's driving, irritated with not knowing what to do next.
We decided to go grab some drive-thru lunch and take it back to the first house we looked at that morning, sit outside on the patio, soak in the house (it is vacant), run the numbers and make a decision if we wanted to place an offer on it should house #10 not work out. On the way back to the house, lunch in hand, hubby's cell phone rang. House #10 is not accepting our counter offer, it's a no-go. I don't want to say I lost it, but I did break down a bit. I started to cry a little and then my face flushed and I got terribly anxious. Hubby missed a turn, which nearly sent me spinning. Something so minimal, like missing a turn made me want to scream. The bag of food I was holding felt way too hot. Jake's constant whine for his milk and his sandwich made me sound like a robot, "Just a minute Jakey". Wesley started to fuss and cry. It was all too much. I couldn't wait to get out of the car. The moment the car stopped I got out and took deep breaths. It was a panic attack, not a horrible one, I was still in control, but it was starting to make me scared. After a few minutes I began to calm down. The strange thing is, it wasn't until later in the day that I realized it was a panic attack.
After lunch we went home, got the kids down for a nap and relaxed for a bit. We decided to write up an offer on the house. I called our sitter to see if she could watch Nate and Wes for a bit while hubby, Jake and I went back to the house to sign an offer agreement. I was feeling good, a little anxious, but not not panicked.
When we get to the house, we are outside talking about the pool repair work that needs to be done. The pool is empty right now. For some reason, hubby was down in the empty pool and Jake decided to go down there with him. Totally understandable that a 3y would want to explore the bottom of an empty pool with his daddy. The problem is, pool steps aren't like non-pool steps. They are very steep. Jake tried to negotiate the third step down, couldn't make it, decided to jump and basically did a swan dive chest first, forehead second into the concrete. I could see it happening, but couldn't stop it. Right as I went to say, "help him" to hubby, it happened. The noise was horrible. I was so scared. I was thankful to hear his screams, it meant he wasn't knocked it. He basically jumped 3 feet before he smacked. I instantly snapped at hubby. Then I apologized just as quickly. I wanted to hold Jake, but hubby had him in his arms and was soothing him. Then I started to try to act calm and in control with the real estate agent. Why, I have no idea, it is programmed into me.
After a few moments of hubby being inside the house with Jake and me trying to make light of the situation with the real estate agent, I excused myself and went inside and grabbed my boy and hugged him. He was already done crying, and I was trying oh so hard not to start. The bump on his head was already starting. I took the ice out of my water and started rubbing it on his head. He was fine, it wasn't as bad as we thought or it could have been.
We signed the paper work, and headed out. We needed to hit the market before going home. As we drove, my panic feeling set in. By the time we got to the store I was a huge bundle of nerves. I kept talking calmly to Jake, and going over our shopping list. Meanwhile, hubby acts like he's lost. He's still shaken by Jake's fall. So I finally told him, "I need this to be a brief shopping trip, I need you to take over, I'm about to loose it". So he did. Poor guy had tears in his eyes watching Jake in the rearview mirror as we drove to the market. He was feeling so terrible about it all.
I actually never did loose it. I actually got myself calmed down before we even got to the house. I was doing good all evening, and I fell asleep pretty easily. Then about an hour ago,(midnight) the babies were up, I got them calm again and I could not shut my brain off. I started to think about the previous time in my life when I had panic attacks. I was in my early 20's and it was a very difficult thing to go through. I was thinking about blogging about today's episode and comparing it to that time in my life and then boom! Light bulb moment.
When I was about 23, I was going through a tough time. Which I think is normal for that age. I was working two highly demanding jobs for awhile, then I transitioned to just one very demanding job. I was off the diet pills I had been on for about six months (Phen Fen) and I was trying to manage my weight without them and not having success and I was on-again-off-again dating a creep. The results of all the turmoil ... panic attacks. Bad ones. To the point where I had very weird episodes. I'll give you the brief version on it: I couldn't make right hand turns while I was driving (I could, but it freaked me out and I avoided them at all costs) made it hell to get off the freeway let me tell you! I became a shopper which I am normally not at all. I was living in furnished place and I was buying sheets, art work and furniture from Ikea. It was beyond strange. It morphed within in weeks into not being able to easily leave my living quarters or, once I did leave and made it to work, I couldn't easily leave work. It would be 8 or 9pm and I'd be at my office, unable to walk out the door. I finally saw a therapist who within a few sessions helped me out greatly.
She explained things to me very clearly and gave me some skills to help with the panic attacks. She believed that part of the cause of my panic attacks were the diet pills I had been on. My body was adjusting to not being on them. But your basic run of the mill, overworked, over worried and stress was the basis for most of my problems. I was starting my life, my career and I could handle it all I thought. So when I couldn't sleep, I didn't worry about it, when I got a rash or hives, I thought it was something I ate, all the signals my body gave me, pleading with me to slow down, I ignored until finally my brain said, "Enough". And that is when I got my panic attacks. It was the only way my brain could force me to slow downs and take care of myself. I didn't listen to the insomnia, the hives or the other signals so my brain basically said, "I'll show you" and I had the panic attacks.
And that my friends (those of you still brave enough to read this far) is where I had my light bulb moment at 1am. I realized, that today's (yesterday really) panic attack is my body's way of saying, "hey lady, you are going too fast, doing too much and not helping me".
I've been not good to myself lately. I'm getting very little sleep and no REM sleep. I still do not get more than 21/2 hours straight at night. I've been consuming food like a teenage boy with a metabolism of a humming bird (which I do NOT have), so my weight is climbing by the minute. I've been giving 100% of myself to the kids and not to my hubby. Which is horrible for him and me because I love oh so much to be giving to my husband, it helps me! I'm running around in circles and not going anywhere. It did not even dawn on me until I just typed this that I've even had a few rashes lately, just like I did prior to my panic attacks more than 13 years ago.
Now the tough part, changing. I'll have to keep you posted on how that goes.
By the way, I just had a glass of milk and a piece of carrot cake while I proof read this post. I'm an idiot!
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